I was soooooo exhausted
Exhausted was really an understatement. Life had gotten the best of me. I was overwhelmed, drained and depressed, although I didn’t want to admit it. Been there? I felt like I was trapped and alone. My marriage was on the rocks. My husband enjoyed staying out all night far more than he cared to tell me where he was or answer his phone or reply to a text even. I was waiting tables STILL. I started waiting tables to pay my way thru college, but let’s be honest, at the time, I had graduated college 10 years prior. I couldn’t use that line anymore. It really was a good job but I just knew it wasn’t meant for me. I knew my life was meant for more. I still had a burning inside of me to make a difference SOMEHOW, but the more I thought about that and how I wasn’t doing something that I considered to hold any value, the more exhausted and depressed I felt. I sunk deeper, felt emptier and was really just so very disappointed that I had let it all come to this. I was wallowing in such a state of loss over what my life could’ve been that I couldn’t dig myself out and see that my life wasn’t over but just beginning.
The Exhausted Cry in the Shower
I was the queen of the exhausted shower cry. Some of you know what I mean. If you knew me at this time in my life, you might not have known all of my inner turmoil. I went to great lengths to fake smile my way thru it. I did this partly so people wouldn’t know what a failure I thought I was and partly so I didn’t have to explain myself either. I was honestly so exhausted that I’d grown tired of MYSELF. My shower cries were actually a nice time. I was able to release the stress and pressure that had built up inside of me. I would pray. I would cry out to Jesus. I knew I was created and placed on this earth for a reason and THIS WASN’T IT. I was a Christian too! I was taught to have hope and peace! WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME? The next morning I would wake up and hit repeat. It was groundhog’s day. Over and over and over. Gosh I hate that movie!
Even now I find this difficult to write about. I am so thankful that I am no longer in that dark, miserable, utterly exhausted time in my life, though and felt inclined to share it. I know that lonely feeling when you think nobody understands or knows or suffers. But, I also know the joy on the other side! It was the craziest thing. I was exercising. I knew exercise equaled endorphins and I needed all I could get! When my husband made me mad or when I felt helpless, I let it out in my workout. Needless to say, I was in pretty darn good shape which to me only equaled the poor state of my life. I started the Insanity workout program and was halfway in. The utter exhaustion caught up with me. If you haven’t seen this program, it is INSANE and month 2 is even MORE insane. I was exhausted all the time but I wasn’t going to quit.
A friend of mine recommend the all natural, meal replacement shakeology to me to get me thru my last 30 days of the program. I signed up as a “coach”, reluctantly, to get a discount. I had no idea how this seemingly small decision would shape my destiny. In the course of becoming a coach, I joined a team of people that were focused on improving themselves. Not only were they exercising and eating healthy, but they were positive, high energy people setting goals and going for their dreams. They were reading books on different ways to make them the best version of themselves! And I WAS A PART OF IT! Our mission was to help others! The more I started reaching out to other people, the smaller my problems became. All of the sudden, I had a mission and a purpose again! The cries in the shower grew rare. I got a kick in my step. The light came back to my eyes. I learned that my husband made his decisions. I couldn’t make them for him. I focused on helping others and thru the process, being surrounded by people on the same journey as me, we were making a difference! Lives were changing! MINE CHANGED! This was 2.5 years ago. If you met me now, you might not realize how exhausted I once was. I am now living my dreams, encouraging others to dare to dream the impossible possible and changing lives while I am still on the journey!
Digging Deeper, Jessica Bowser Nelson
P.S. Don’t live life exhausted, but take a chance and join me on this journey!